Friday, September 16, 2005

Learning to BE

I remember my mother saying once that when the last of us got in school she wondered what she was "supposed to" do with herself.

That "supposed to" thing has been my undoing many times in my life. I've always been one to produce, to do, to perform whatever task is needed. Now I think I am at a place where I get to choose between "supposed to" and "want to." And, I'm feeling a little stuck. Or maybe scared. Learning to BE instead of constantly DO. This is good for me, even if a little disconcerting.

Because, now that my son is in first grade and I have hours to do what I want to do (work on my novel, read, work, finish painting the hallway) I find myself avoiding being home where all this deferred creativity should be pouring out and coming to light. Even when I am at home, I'm not really using it effectively. I'm constantly checking the clock, counting down how much time I have left, wandering around the house, thinking how much more efficient I could be if I could find a routine. Trying to figure out how to accomplish things without the pressure of fitting in tasks between interruptions.

I want to be careful that I'm not just filling my time, but filling my life with things that matter. Adjusting my productivity clock, I guess, is what I'm doing. Trying to create a routine that revolves around me for a change.

Thought it would be easier than this.

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